I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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