Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
