apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
