Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
