Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
