i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
