Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize