I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
