I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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