if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
