I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
