What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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