You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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