Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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