I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
