Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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