I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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