I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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