I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
