Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
