My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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