how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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