she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
