i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
