I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
