i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
