What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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