she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
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I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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