you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So much rum. So many feels.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
