Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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