Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
What did we do last night that was yellow?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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