I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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