Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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