How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
