my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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