i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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