why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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