my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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