I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
