ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
