you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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