i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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