i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
