fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
