Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
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Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize