In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
