i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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