Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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