ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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