I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
