i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
